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Google to San Francisco: Pay No Attention to Our Floating Fortress in the Bay

By December 1, 2015No Comments

(This post originally appeared in the SF Weekly)

googlebargeBy Faux Google

As long as people have expressed ideas, others have tried to silence them. Today, one out of every three people lives in a society that is severely censored. For many people, such censorship is more than an inconvenience — it represents full-scale repression.

The free flow of information is increasingly critical, and nothing must stop it. At Google, we oppose all forms of repression and anything that hinders the freedom of information.

Except where it concerns our floating fortress in the San Francisco Bay. Please ignore that.

Seriously. Just walk away. You never saw anything. If we wanted you to know about it, it would already be on your phone.

Of course we know that information wants to be free. Usually. In all other cases. All your personal information certainly does. But this information just happens to be different. This information has some unusual wants and desires. Really pervy stuff, for information. This information is the sexual predator of information. But don’t you worry about that. We’re taking care of it. Go about your business. Trust us.

Look! A new game with zombies! Play with that for a while.

Any inquiries about the massive tanker of steel and technology that we have parked near a major city without any explanation is an invasion of our privacy. A terrible violation. Do you know how it feels to have people saying things about you online that you don’t want them to talk about, and anyone being able to find it? Do you have any idea?

If you investigate our floating fortress in the Bay, we will reveal all your naked selfies to the world. Don’t think we can’t.

Hey! A movie trailer with superheroes! Why don’t we all watch that!

Don’t try to send the government after us. We will fight them to our lawyer’s dying breath. Not that he would actually die permanently, but that’s because of another project you can’t ask about.

In fact, it’s better not to ask us any questions at all. About anything. We’re not saying that you’re not smart enough to understand the answers, but we are saying that we’re smart enough not to care what you think. I’m sorry if you don’t like it, but what about our customer service has ever suggested that we value your opinion?

So just shut your mouth about our giant, unexplained vessel. Talk about something else.

Look! A slideshow about breasts! Where did that come from? Better click it!

If you hear noises coming from the unmarked floating fortress, please ignore them. Any unusual smells should also be chalked up to coincidence. People burn hair all the time. Feelings of dizziness that begin when you come near the massive ship are your own fault for coming near it at all. Do not post about them to your social network. Spontaneous dehydration is very common. Nothing odd about it. Google it, if you don’t believe us. No one is screaming.

We own YouTube: We will find ways to distract you.

You tell us how many cat videos you want, that’s how many we’ll put in your inbox.

Those are not the Cohen brothers you see rowing to the fortress. Or Kim Jong-Un.

You’re just nervous. Here’s a site where you can get Paxil.

It will be so much easier to calm you down during Phase 3. Until then, trust us.