Category Archives: Satire

Silicon Valley to Host “Our Very Own Kind of Comic Con” in 2016

comic_conThis week Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak announced that he will be co-producing the first ever Silicon Valley Comic Con, where geeks can celebrate an art form they are helping make obsolete.

“The presentation of information in a non-digital format is over,” said Facebook VP of Epistemic Closure Harry Sealowe. “Libraries, publishers, book stores will all be extinct in 10 years. And I am so excited to go trade comic books with the people who are making this happen!”

Sealowe, like many other attendees, is a huge fan of the TV shows based on movies based on comic books.

Google employee Tad Sun, is one of the thousands who have already signed up to attend. “You really haven’t experienced characters like The Black Widow until you’ve downloaded a picture from a still shot of her guest appearance on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D that tied in to Avengers 2,” he said. “No other medium can adequately convey what this character is about.”

In a promotional message on the con’s website, Wozniak said the Silicon Valley Comic Con would be different from other cons, because in Silicon Valley fans can properly celebrate “the Age of the Geek.”

Conference spokesman Tom Cronun said this means that while thousands of women and minorities will apply to go to Comic Con, virtually none of them will be accepted, because they’re just not good enough.

Read more at SF Weekly

“Hunky Jesus” Forced to Cede Title After Shocking Discovery That He Believes in Jesus

Hunky Jesus contest(This article originally appeared in the SF Weekly)

Scandal rocked San Francisco’s Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence this week after the discovery that 2015’s newly crowned “Hunky Jesus” is actually religious.

“We’re reeling from the news,” said spokeswoman Sister Gloriana Rimjob. “Obviously we had no idea until the pictures surfaced.”

The Bay Area Reporter obtained pictures of the newly selected Hunky Jesus wearing a button down shirt in a church, where he lit candles and even took sacraments in what critics call “a completely unironic way.”

Condemnation was swift and harsh.

“I’ve seen the photos, and there’s no question that this sick bastard was getting forgiveness for his sins,” said local queer activist Thom Ferris. “You can tell by the way he’s dressed that he was just asking for it.”

The Sisterhood’s Facebook page was likewise filled with angry comments.

Continue reading “Hunky Jesus” Forced to Cede Title After Shocking Discovery That He Believes in Jesus

Ed Lee Acquires Venture Capital for New Start-Up City

Ed LeeEd Lee shocked Californians today by announcing his resignation as Mayor of San Francisco to found a new start-up city.

“I’ve seen municipal dysfunction up close for years and it’s convinced me that cities are a paradigm ready for disruption,” Lee told Tech Crunch and Mayor’s Digest. “I believe that with just a little venture capital and a group of talented go-getters fresh out of college, I’ll be able to reinvent what it means to live in a place with other people.”

“The first thing we’ll do,” Lee added, “is make it social.”

Lee’s announcement generated huge buzz in the tech industry, with Valleywag calling Lee “The Uber of Planning Boards,” and PandoDaily reporting that “Ed Lee will do for cities what PandoDaily did for reporting.”

Details of Lee’s new start-up, called CitEy, have only been revealed to first-round investors, among them Ron Conway, Peter Thiel, and the Singularity. But according to published reports, CitEy has developed an incredibly streamlined functionality for bribes, including a “Bribe Me Now” button and a Platinum Level for amounts over $25,000.

Read more at SF Weekly

Gavin Newsom crowdsources speech

 

Newsome Fail WhaleTaking cues from William S. Burroughs, Girl Talk, and Kickstarter, Lt. Gov. Gavin Newsom used his Facebook page to crowdsource the content for the graduation speech he gave last week at San Francisco State University. Following is the text that resulted:

“Graduates of 2015:

Across this great land, millions of Americans are asking: I can haz cheezburger? I know, because they’ve told me. And while Howard Stern rules, and #BlackLivesMatter, graduation is the perfect time and place to ask about all-natural, non-surgical, penile enlargement for her pleasure.

Read more at SF Weekly