Category Archives: Satire

Woman Says She Was Attacked for Using Windows Phone at San Francisco Tech Bar

(This post originally appeared in the SF Weekly)

teachiephoneA woman was brutally attacked in a San Francisco techie bar when she attempted to make a call on a Windows phone, according to police reports.

Sarah Stiles, a San Francisco housing activist, described the incident to police, saying that she was at Rickhouse in the Financial District.

“I got a text from one of my allies in the domiciled community (an activist term for people with homes) and wanted to call back,” Stiles said. “But when I brought out my Nokia Lumia, the crowd turned ugly.”

According to the police report, two women and a man confronted her about the lack of a strong app ecosystem for the Windows platform, and made aggressive remarks about overall market penetration.

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Jack Spade Executive to San Francisco: You’ll Regret Not Having That Rollneck Sweater

(This post originally appeared in SF Weekly)

Jack Spade model shows San Francisco what its missing in this Jarrett plaid shirt
Jack Spade model shows San Francisco what its missing in this Jarrett plaid shirt

By Jack Spade VP Faux Melissa Xides

The Jack Spade team is really disappointed not to be opening our new store in the hip Mission neighborhood, where we know we’d fit in just like a buffalo check dipped utility bag fits with a Milford window pane suit blazer. You know what we’re talking about, San Francisco.

But now we’ll never get the chance, thanks to the efforts of a bunch of real stick-in-the-mud members of the creative class who — and we’re just saying this here — could be better dressed. What’s the matter, “Chicken” John? Your Brewster rollneck sweater in the wash again?

I’m just kidding.

But seriously: You’ll regret not having that sweater for the rest of your life. You’ll all regret it, San Francisco. Because without Jack Spade, you’ll be the worst-dressed major metropolis in the United States.
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SF Techie Explains Why the World Should Revolve Around Bay Area Techies

(This article first appeared in the SF Weekly)

techiesLast week technology reporter Farhad Manjoo wrote an impassioned defense of the city’s tech sector for SF Magazine. By chance our own tech-savvy correspondent, SF Techie, had written a very similar article, often using the very same words. We’re proud to present it now, in support of his well thought out case.

By SF Techie

I recently met a 23 year-old who’s launching a startup while living out of his car. As a young tech entrepreneur, on or off his meds, he represents San Francisco’s future, and he’s not alone. Hundreds of thousands of equally qualified people are all moving to the Bay Area.

They’re coming here to innovate. And is there anything more innovative, in this day and age, than being a twenty-something with an idea for a startup?

They have to come here. One of the great promises of the Internet, after all, is liberation from the petty constraints of geography. But in practice, that’s absurd — if you want to be anyone in tech, you have to be in the Bay Area. Which means that, this one time, the Internet didn’t actually live up to its promise to change something. But that’s the only time that happened, or ever will happen. That and ending racism. And raising the living standard of the middle class. It turns out the internet has failed to do any of that.

But that’s it. We should be confident that every other promise made about the Internet by tech-funded economists, tech-funded journalists, and tech-entrepreneurs, will come true. Why? Because: Technology. Disruption. New Economy. 2.0.

You can’t argue with that.

Continue reading SF Techie Explains Why the World Should Revolve Around Bay Area Techies

Dear Larry Ellison: Here’s What Would Make San Francisco Want to Host Another America’s Cup

Tall ship(This article originally appeared in the SF Weekly)

Dear Mr. Ellison:

We’ve never been formally introduced, but you’ve mistaken me for a concierge and threatened my family several times.

I’m writing you this letter because the people of San Francisco have heard what your negotiating team wants in order to hold the next America’s Cup in our city, and now we’d like to tell you what we want.

I don’t mean “what Mayor Ed Lee” wants — I mean what we, the people of San Francisco, actually want, and what it would take to make the America’s cup a popular success.

Ed Lee is a fine public servant, okay, more like just adequate, but he’s not known to be fun at parties. Or even be at parties. But we are a party people, Mr. Ellison. Ever hear of the Summer of Love? Burning Man? Of course, you have.

If you follow our simple instructions and give us what we want, San Francisco will promise you the greatest America’s cup ever: an event that will be bigger than the Super Bowl and election night combined.

Here’s what San Francisco demands in the next America’s Cup:

1. We want pirates.

Continue reading Dear Larry Ellison: Here’s What Would Make San Francisco Want to Host Another America’s Cup

Google to San Francisco: Pay No Attention to Our Floating Fortress in the Bay

(This post originally appeared in the SF Weekly)

googlebargeBy Faux Google

As long as people have expressed ideas, others have tried to silence them. Today, one out of every three people lives in a society that is severely censored. For many people, such censorship is more than an inconvenience — it represents full-scale repression.

The free flow of information is increasingly critical, and nothing must stop it. At Google, we oppose all forms of repression and anything that hinders the freedom of information.

Except where it concerns our floating fortress in the San Francisco Bay. Please ignore that.

Seriously. Just walk away. You never saw anything. If we wanted you to know about it, it would already be on your phone.

Of course we know that information wants to be free. Usually. In all other cases. All your personal information certainly does. But this information just happens to be different. This information has some unusual wants and desires. Really pervy stuff, for information. This information is the sexual predator of information. But don’t you worry about that. We’re taking care of it. Go about your business. Trust us.

Look! A new game with zombies! Play with that for a while.

Continue reading Google to San Francisco: Pay No Attention to Our Floating Fortress in the Bay

Tech Industry Believes it Invented San Francisco, Burning Man, and Sex

(This article originally appeared in the SF Weekly)

Burning Man with fireworksAccording to reports, the Silicon Valley-based tech industry has convinced itself that it invented everything it enjoys, including Democracy, rule of law, San Francisco, Burning Man, and sex

“Techies are really innovative, so it’s only natural that they would hack human sexuality by coming up with a pleasurable use for what was previously just a reproductive process,” Google employee Miles Davidson said. “You’re welcome.”

Brent Sternberg, a Facebook engineer who started attending Mission Control sex parties a year ago, said that blow jobs simply wouldn’t have been possible without social media. “How could you have ever told someone that you like it?” he asked. “It would never work.”

Futurist Ray Kurzweil, Google’s Director of Engineering, said he believes that the tech giant is on track to invent S&M by 2025. “It will be incredibly pleasurable,” he said, “unless it hurts too much. Until we develop it, there’s just no way to know.”

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San Francisco Parents Shocked to Learn that Catholic Schools Are Catholic

Catholic Church(This post originally appeared in the SF Weekly)

San Francisco parents of children enrolled at local Catholic schools were recently shocked to discover that their children are attending schools run by Catholics.

The discovery was made after the local Archbishop, an official of the Catholic Church, sent letters to local teachers employed by the Catholic Church, reminding them of some of the things that the Catholic Church believes in. Those things offended many San Francisco parents, who say they were horrified to discover that the church which they have asked to educate their children might be influencing the way their kids think.

“I had no idea this was really a Catholic school,” said San Francisco mother of two Benita Bentley. “I thought it was just an extremely ironic public school. You know: ‘look at us, we’re so Catholic.’ Like the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.”

Local father Greg T., who self-identifies as gayer than you, said that he finds the idea that the Catholic schools are Catholic to be offensive.

“I strongly object to the hateful, oppressive, messages the Catholic church has been constantly sending out for the last 2,000 years,” he said. “So when I entrusted my children to them, I expected better. To find out that the Church which has never accepted me doesn’t accept me … well, obviously I’m going to sign a petition.”

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“Go Set a Watchman” to Be Adapted for Film as Part of Marvel Universe

(This article originally appeared in the SF Weekly)

marvelHOLLYWOOD, Calif. – In an announcement that shook the publishing world, Disney executives today confirmed that Harper Lee’s new novel Go Set a Watchman will be adapted as a Marvel Comics movie by 2018.

According to unconfirmed reports, Jennifer Lawrence will star as Scout, a New York City girl from a small Southern town whose life changes forever after she is exposed to cosmic rays. Kevin Spacey will play her father, the mighty space lawyer Atticus Finch, and Billy Bob Thornton will play immortal mob boss Boo Radley.

Samuel L. Jackson and Faye Dunaway are confirmed to return as Col. Nick Fury and the morphine-addled Mrs. Dubose, respectively. Joss Whedon will direct.

“We all know that the movie version of To Kill a Mockingbird, starring Gregory Peck, endures as a timeless American classic,” said Disney spokesman Peter Haberman. “We intend to treat Go Set a Watchman with the same reverence, whether it’s our portrayal of Scout’s difficult relationship with Atticus, a careful examination of America’s racial politics, or the ravenous hunger of Galactus, Devourer of Worlds.”

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Environmental Protest Mistaken for Burning Man Party

(This article originally appeared in the SF Weekly)

Bear head guySAN FRANCISCO – A group of 40 protesters, some dressed as polar bears, were discouraged Saturday when their vitally important point about oil drilling on public lands was consistently mistaken for a bear-themed Burning Man camp.

Passersby said they were stunned to learn that the bears dancing to dubstep were, in fact, part of an environmental message and not warning up for a night on the playa.

“I could swear I saw those guys there last year,” said San Franciscan Will Thornstein. “Wasn’t that the bear who gave me ecstasy?”

Oakland resident Lena Spencer agreed. “They’re making the sixth mass extinction seem like a pretty cool time,” she said. “Can I buy tickets?”

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Supervisor John Avalos Wants 16-Year-Old Kids to Vote So They Can Also Feel Screwed by Politics

John AvalosSan Francisco City Supervisor John Avalos recently put forward a ballot measure giving 16-year-old kids the right to vote in city elections, stating that they should have the right to be just as disappointed in democracy as everyone else.

“I believe with all my heart that, if given the vote, teenagers will be every bit as satisfied with the American political system as African Americans, Hispanics, and women are,” Avalos said. “It’s their turn.”

San Francisco Youth Commissioner Julie Lichter pointed out that, in many ways, 16 year olds are already failing to influence the political process.

“Whether they’re marching ineffectually for immigration reform, signing online petitions to enact sensible gun laws, or rallying on city hall to demand an end to military action, teenagers are already politically active and thoroughly ignored by the system,” Lichter said. “Giving them the vote is one more way they can line up to be counted without actually counting – just like the politically engaged adults around them.”

“They’ve earned it,” she added.

Political observers are skeptical, saying that Avalos is merely trying to bolster the ranks of progressives in San Francisco who could vote but don’t.

Read more at SF Weekly